Banks to the River

At first I was going to post this on my personal Instagram page but I thought it meant sense to "offer it up" to a larger audience. Perhaps it might help someone who is struggling with the same sort of issues.

Yesterday, my therapist asked me if the #75hardchallenge had changed any of my relationships. I sat on the question for a bit and still processing it—the most significant change in my relationships in my own relationship with me.

//My thoughts//

My husband is my biggest cheerleader. He says a song represents his love for me, and I agree it's called Banks by needtobreathe.

I wanna be there when the voices in your head

Are loud enough to make you lose your mind

Just the same when you're dominating the day

I wanna be the one who's by your side

You know my love is not the jealous type

It doesn't matter if we win or lose

Oh, I could stay, or I could come no matter where you're coming from

I can be the one to let you choose

I wanna hold you close but never hold you back

Just like the banks to the river

I finally feel loved and secure even though there are still moments that the doubt sets in after years of brain conditioning. My husband's love for me is in the lens of God's grace. And my love for him too. It's unconditional, accepting the flaws, and solid like a rock. Even when each of us falls or fails we know that the other will always be there. It's not perfect but honestly, what is? And that imperfection and the open arms of that imperfection have allowed me space.

I have lived my entire life since I was about eight years old in "fight or flight" mode. It's hard to trust anything or anyone when you're in that frame of mind. Including yourself. Or even God.

The women in my family lack the nurturing gene. It's genetically been passed down. We are brutally honest but loyal and dedicated AF. So when you're missing the nurturing gene not only for others but for you too, you approach life, putting yourself down and brushing shit off.

I've spent most of my adult life in and out of therapy for my anxiety. There were seasons that it was crippling. Anyone who has suffered anxiety or panic understands those seasons. Where you are fighting for your life to get through the day without the mind playing tricks with you and your body feeling like it's ready to explode, with each season, I would work on my issues and be on my merry way. Wow, that's great. I'm cured. Done. No bitch no.

I have emotional layers like an onion to peel away, and the challenge itself has really allowed me to see that.

The weight I've accumulated protected me. Even as a kid, it was a hell of our easier to be the funny chubby girl (even though I was never THAT chubby) than work out trauma or be seen in my truth. Food is comforting and safe for me. And with each season of my life, I can see the pounds that came on protecting my emotional baggage. And so, as I take the weight off, I peel those emotional layers away and get closer to who I am meant to be. I told my therapist yesterday, Jesus, I hope that I don't get to the end of this road and talk about some Woo Woo shit about my inner child. And she said there's no end of the road, Holly.

Relationships are hard work. They are. We're all busy and have a limited amount of time each day. I'm finding with this challenge that I have less time for friends and other "stuff." The relationship that I need to focus on the most right now is the one with myself. This challenge is no joke. It takes a lot of my time and space but what I'm realizing is the idea of "worth" and that I deserve it.

I saw this quote, "Your relationship with yourself is the foundation of everything." - there is no end of the road. The effort I put into nurturing and working on myself will amplify what I can give to others and even my projects too.

Thanks love for allowing me to have the space to learn to love myself.